Sent in by Ealeanor Steadman to the Henley Network

http://www.henley-on-thames.org.uk/jokes/resume.htm

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

• Its best for employers that I not work with people.

• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

• I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest store.

• Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

• Marital status: often. Children: various.

• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

• Finished eighth in my class of ten.

• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.