Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like ? ‘cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

"I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don’t have a big ego, I’m way too cool for that.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.. especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don’t approve of political jokes...I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath... You’ll need it to blow up your date!