Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho and Me)

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. (Groucho and Me)

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Blood's not thicker than money.

"Do you believe in computer dating?" "Only if the computers really love each other."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho and Me)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed . . . But we're going back next year.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Women should be obscene and not heard.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.